What To Do After You’ve Ruined Your Relationship
You screwed up. You did something unforgiveable, and now you’re facing the consequences. Your relationship is over and there’s no chance to fix it. So, what do you do now?
You get over it, as soon as possible. You get your mind off them, you find other interests and you avoid potential reminders. And how do you do that, exactly?
Don’t Contact Them.
It’s so hard to resist getting in touch with the person you love after you’ve messed up. Even when you know you shouldn’t. Even when you know that it’ll hurt them, hurt you. And that there’s a near zero chance you’ll be able to fix things and get back together. It can be unbelievably hard.
And at the same time your brain will be working against you. You’ll come up with all sorts of reasons why it’s okay to reach out to them, why it’s necessary.
Maybe it ended on such a sour note, such a bitter argument that you want to explain yourself. You’re really worried about them and you feel that you should provide comfort. You want to rage at them, because they did fucked up stuff to you too in the past and you forgave them for it. And they can’t seem to do the same.
But that’s a terrible idea.
Because you still want to reconnect, you still want to try again. And you’ll pounce on any opportunity. Right now, you can’t trust your emotions. You can’t trust your reasons. You can’t trust that your situation is unique, different from the rest.
You shouldn’t trust it, because chances are you’ll end up making the situation worse. You’ll end up hurting them more, hurting yourself more. You’d be scratching at an open wound.
You need time. They need time. Don’t rush into anything. Don’t make things worse.
If you’re serious about this you’ll delete their contact. You’ll avoid social media, you’ll stop going to places where you could run into them.
If you’ve both been together for long enough it’ll be impossible to avoid some of this but you want to keep it to a minimum. You don’t want to talk to them, you don’t want to smile, you don’t want to cry or tremble. Or do anything besides move away from the encounter as fast as possible.
They may try to obstruct you. If you hurt them bad enough they may try to hurt you back. They may spread rumors. They could try to confront you or hold onto your things so that you’re forced to confront them yourself.
You may have to lose a couple sweaters, some underwear and trinkets. Unless it’s something important- like, god forbid, a kid or a puppy- you’ll want to accept your losses.
Remove All Reminders.
It’s easier to avoid someone when you’re not constantly reminded of them. You shouldn’t be pouring over old texts and photos. You shouldn’t be sniffing the hoodie they left at your place, to remember what they smell like.
Make this easier on yourself. It’s going to hurt very bad no matter what, don’t prolong it unnecessarily. Get rid of anything around you that reminds you of them. Any of their belongings, any shared documents, any photos, videos or recordings. They need to go, as soon as possible.
If it’s super fresh, if you’re just a day or two in from the blow-out… It may be nigh-impossible to follow through on this. The very idea seems anathema to you, and you couldn’t bare to part with a thing.
But when the pain lessens a bit or when your motivation spikes for even a minute remember this. Remember that you can’t start healing until you let go of everything and embrace the fall. Not enjoy it. No, that’s probably impossible. To let go anyway, knowing that it’s going to suck but that you have no other option.
If there are photos, videos, etcetera that you’re not willing to part with put it on a flash drive. Or in an out of the way file on your PC. Make it hard to get to, make it so difficult that you’d need to go out of your way to see it again. The same thing goes for trinkets of all types. If you have a storage unit shove everything into a box and keep it there, out of sight.
You may come to find, with time, that you don’t have any attachment to it at all. Or, at least, far less than you would otherwise.
Write An Apology.
Sit and take time to write out an apology letter. Pour out all your emotions unreservedly. Don’t censor anything, don’t try to make it pretty. Spend that time detailing why you made the mistake. Telling them how badly you feel you need them. That you’ll do anything to have them forgive you. Whatever you’re aching to say.
Then never let anyone see it.
Because the point of the exercise was never to get them to forgive you. It was to forgive yourself. To find your reasons, your flaws, your errors in judgement. To acknowledge them. To explain the situation to yourself without the fog of self-hatred. Of your bitter regret and loathing for ending something great. Of hurting the person you love so goddamn much it hurts.
At the same time, if you’re ever pulled back to the person you love and lost… You’ll be able to verbalize the situation far more effectively. You’ll be able to explain yourself and how sorry you are with greater clarity. And you’ll increase the odds of reconnecting as a consequence.
Distract Yourself.
What interests you? What questions have you wondered about, what hobbies have you wanted to do- or do more of? Spend time doing those. Obsessively if you need to, to keep your mind away from your mistakes.
You’ll have a bit more free time now too, since you’re single once more. There are always upsides to a bad situation. A silver lining, you could say. This breakup could have you becoming healthier, wealthier, more knowledgeable, happier. If you let it.
As part of distracting yourself, don’t listen to love songs right now. Or sad songs. Music is amazing in how deeply it can spark emotion. But you don’t need those particular sorts right now. You need to get over this and get on with your life.
The same goes for romantic comedies, novels — anything romantic, really. Or sad. Part of distracting yourself is keeping away from things that could bring you down. At least for a little while, until you recover enough to handle it.
Everything I’ve written may be put succinctly. Don’t think about it. Get it off your mind and put obstacles between you and the chance of reminiscing. Find new hobbies or enjoy old ones.
If the stars align and you get back together with this person you’ll be better, more valuable. You’d have learned from your mistakes and I dare say you wont repeat them again. This is a learning opportunity. A chance for growth. Treat it as such, even though it’s painful and you may not feel as though you deserve it.
